On living, and loving, and losing… again

Amsterdam is wonderful, everyone here has been amazing and I couldn’t have asked for a better exchange experience so far !

That being said… with every new experience comes reflections on the old. My procrastinations to studying can be solely blamed on Thought Catalog and the cliche moments of reading a topic of an article that makes me think ‘ Oh, I’ve been through that!’ Yes, I know…we’ve all been through it. Though I realize this, many of the articles still have a way of creeping under my skin and hitting my heart to make me think about my own experience. As one author put it in her post,  it feels like “Death by Nostalgia”. The more I read, the more old friendships that have slipped away for no apparent reason and love that had mysteriously went missing is now coming back to haunt me exactly to way I feared it would.

I’m not perfect,I’m selfish sometimes, indecisive,  I make mistakes, I’m a mess, I’m human.  I choose not to regret mistakes and bad decisions that I have made because I know that regardless of the current consequences, when all of the pain goes away I will be a stronger person and won’t have as many what ifs and I wonder’s when all is said and done… hopefully.  I can’t tell now if my fatalistic tendencies to think ‘everything happens for a reason’  are a good thing or if its just plain bullshit.

. If theres one thing I’m trying to learn its to dive into situations and be more vulnerable, because being vulnerable is scary but it’s a sign of sincerity. It’s only our encounters with rejection and the games that people tend to play with each other (guilty) that thwart away vulnerability.  One of my very best new friends from New Zealand that I met here in Amsterdam always takes initiative to interact with people  around her, taking sincere interest in them without caring how her boldness may be received  I admire that so much about her and am hoping that sort of reckless abandonment rubs off on me over the next year.

Stealing thoughts from this article and sticking with my current life philosophy, you get so much more out of your interactions with people if you put your whole heart into it. No, it won’t always work and you might come off as desperate and get rejected, but if the person can’t appreciate the fact that you care then why would they be worth it anyways? life is too short

Currently loving this poem ..

“Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.”

W.H Auden

So in conclusion friendships come and go and that unfortunately is a part of life.  All you can do is learn to love yourself and hold on to the people that appreciate that. ple

thanks for reading,

with love,

Carrie

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